A Dose Of My Life's Drama...

It's been quite a while since I last blogged. So many things are running through my mind right now. My life's in chaos.

Let me tell you why...

One of my childhood friends and I started to become close last year. It was the month of November to be exact. When we started talking regularly over the phone, we found out we had so much in common. From music, to back therapies, to French Baker's fetuccini... I believe there's a lot more.. We were the type of friends who never ran out of stories to tell and experiences to share. It has been a routine that we talk every night sometimes till the wee hours of the morning. But we didn't mind. We both enjoy answering cross word puzzles and laughing at corny jokes..In short, we just jived. We connected.. Not long after, I found myself falling for my friend. But I kept it to myself. Mushy as I may seem to be, I even thought I've found my soulmate. I felt that he was the one I've long been waiting for. In my own world, we were perfect for each other.

I know that he felt something for me as well, but for some reasons, I feel that he was just afraid to tell me about it. Not to brag or anything, but I am a very intuitive person.. And perhaps, all girls would agree that we would feel about a guy's intention from the very start...

During those times, he confided to me about his past relationships, and so did I.. It was then when he told me that his girlfriend left for Canada. I didn't really know if they had a formal break-up, or if they ever did break-up.. I didn't have enough courage to ask.. Besides, I know that the answer to my question would definitely hurt me. Truth hurts I know...

I had to control my feelings for him because I know there's someone he loves more. And I also do know that in a few months time, I'd be leaving for Chicago. But I remember, in one of our conversations, he asked me, "Pa'no tayo?" Thinking it was one of his silly jokes again, I just told him, "Eto naman, puro biro e.." That was the last time he ever mentioned that line.

It took me quite sometime before I had the courage to tell him that I was leaving. I think he already knew it because when I mentioned it to him, he didn't seem surprised at all.

A few weeks before I left, during one of our regular conversations, he told me something that really crushed my heart. He said that his girlfriend had come back. I guess that made me realize that I really have to let go of my feelings for him. "Wala akong laban e. Dumating na yung mahal nya."

On the eve of my departure, he was even the last person I was talking to. He made me promise that he'd also be the first person I'd call when I get here. I even thought "This is it.. this could be my last chance..I was still hoping that during our final conversation, I'd hear what I wanted him to tell me. But he didn't. I guess it would be enough to say that I left Manila with a broken heart...

I kept my promise that he'd be the first person I'd call... But eventually, we lost touch. Last June, a friend texted me something about his situation... I think that was the final blow. I just had to completely forget all about him... I had to move on with my life...

One day, he sent me an e-mail. I admit I felt excited when I saw his name on my inbox, because I know I didn't give him my e-mail ad. When I asked him about how he got my e-mail, he told me he confirmed it from our friends.

After a year, he comes back into my life unexpectedly. Now he tells me "hinahanap hanap kita.." I asked him why he's telling this to me now. He told me he didn't want to hurt me then. Here's what he had to say. "Gusto ko sana ipaglaban pero mahirap mag-isa. Kung noon hindi kita napaglaban, ngayon handang handa na ko."

Weak as I can be, I could not help but cry when he told me that.. It really hit me.. He had feelings for me since then, but he was not strong enough to fight for me. Now he tells me he's ready.. As if on cue, tears welled up in my eyes as I heard those words from him. Tears that I've kept from falling all this time. I thought I've totally forgotten all about him. I was wrong...

How can life be so unfair? Why does he have to come back and tell me all of these? Now I had to make a decision that will definitely hurt either one or both of us... Things are different now. "We" can no longer be.. But the Lord knows how I fervently prayed for us to be more than friends.. My mind tells me to let go, however, there are times my heart tells me otherwise.. In fact in one of our conversations, I told him, "Kung alam mo lang..."

When he asked me what we should do about our situation, I told him that what we needed was closure. It's for my own peace and for his as well.

Believe me or not, I actually felt better now that we've talked about it. At least I won't spend the rest of my life regretting that I did not tell him what I really felt at that time. It's enough for me that finally, I've told him that at one point in my life, I've loved him and wished that he felt the same way.

I had to let go so as not to make things complicated, even if it meant giving up what I had long wished for. =( I just hope I made the right decision not to cling to my past anymore.. There's no more turning back this time.. I just had to move on..

Sad but true.. =(